


Gaara's 12 Step Program to Serenity

by kaotic312



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Cracked Goodness, F/M, Gen, Mulitple character cameos, Twisted Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaotic312/pseuds/kaotic312
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gaara's working on his anger management issues.  He has to make a list of all those he's wronged.  It's a looooong list.  Many, many characters heard from.  Crack Fic just for fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Offering Apologies

**Author's Note:**

> This is a total crack fiction. This in NO way is meant to make fun of the 12 step program or any that such programs have helped.
> 
> Yes, it was a lot of fun to write.
> 
> No. I don't own Naruto, and I don't want to. Gaara on the other hand ….

"Hello. My name is Gaara of the Sand. And I'm addicted to anger."

Gaara paused and looked around, his eyes narrowing. "H…hhhh…heeello Gaara." The two random ninja finally replied, trembling.

Gaara nodded. "According to this booklet, the first step is to admit your addiction. I did that." With that, the red-headed demon vessel started to leave the room.

"Uhmmm, Gaara? That's not all you have to do." The old man standing beside the door told him sternly.

Gaara frowned, but the man frowned back at him. He sighed, it had started simple enough. After the debacle of an attack on the Leaf Village, and Gaara's stalemate with Naruto, the red-haired shinobi had expressed an interest in changing his ways.

The council elders had voted to try and eliminate him as a threat, or at least banish him. Yet the eldest councilor, Iko, had decided that the youngest child of the Fourth Kazekage deserved at least one more chance. So he'd given the youth a booklet. "The 12 steps to cure your addictions".

"What else?" He asked the council elder, already irritated.

"You have to admit that your addiction to anger has made your life unbearable. And you have to believe in a higher power that can return you to sanity." Iko explained.

"Did that. What next?" The young man sighed. If this was the only way to change, then he needed to calm down and go with it. He really did want to change, he admitted to himself.

"Turn your life over to the higher power and make a moral inventory."

Gaara laughed harshly. "Fine. My life belongs to a higher power. And I don't have any morals to inventory. How's that?"

Iko shook his head sadly. "Not that easy, but we'll move on if you like. You have to admit your wrongs and humbly want to change, and ask to change."

Gaara looked appalled. "It will take FOREVER to admit all my wrong doings! I'll never get to the end of the program if I do that!"

Iko sighed. "Fine. We'll skip ahead. I want you to make a list of all persons you have harmed and make direct amends where possible and where it will cause no harm. I will NOT let you skimp out on this one. Only when this step is complete can we focus on changing the council's mind about you."

"Well shit."

o.O.o.O.o.O

Dear Kankuro,

What the fuck. Yep. This is a letter from me. You know I'm trying this stupid 12 step program to overcome my addiction to anger. Seems I have to admit all my wrong doings and make amends where possible. I decided to start with you.

1\. I'm sorry that on your 7th birthday I covered your cake in sand. I guess I was jealous.

2\. I'm sorry that I tried to smother you when you were five. I guess this one should have gone first, but I just remembered it. Besides, you were mean to me.

3\. I'm sorry for calling you fat. But you are. Does this one even count?

o.o.o.o.o

47\. I'm sorry I killed your first girlfriend. It was mostly an accident. Her constant giggling annoyed the hell out of me.

48\. I'm sorry that I put the laxative in your food that one time. But if you ate slower you would have noticed, so I'm not sure this one counts either. It was funny too.

49\. I'm sorry for having my sand pull down your pants while you were at your first formal. I was mad no girl would even look at me to go with. And by the way, the fact that you were 'commando' was not my fault. In fact, you owe me for this one. That was NOT a sight I ever cared to see. Seems your date agreed with me too.

o.o.o.o.o

872\. I'm sorry that this fucking list is taking so fucking long! I didn't realize how much I've wronged you. Sorry!

873\. I'm sorry that I drugged you and permanently tattooed your make-up to your face. Although I still think it's an improvement.

874\. I'm sorry for what happened to your puppy. That really was an accident. I liked that stupid mutt more than I did you.

o.o.o.o.o

2,374. I'm sorry that I threw you against the wall, was that really only last week? Wow. Time flies.

Well, I think that's it. I can't remember any more, although I'm sure you do. I'm supposed to make amends now. How about a new puppy?

Sincerely, Gaara


	2. Writer's Cramp

Gaara sighed and rubbed his sore shoulders. His letter to Kankuro had been so damned long! He really didn't want to do the next one. But it was either that, or go to sleep. Considering the sand demon, Shukaku, tried to eat away at his personality every time he slept, well …he went to try and find more parchment and ink.

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Temari,

As you are no doubt aware (being the extreme busy body that you are), you already know why I'm writing this letter to you. So screw you.

1\. I'm sorry for filling your make-up jars with sand. You'd called me a 'shrimp'. And everyone kept telling me I couldn't kill you over it, so I did that instead. Actually, killing you would have made this list much shorter. Hmmmmm. Too late now.

2\. I'm sorry for ruining your recital. Seriously, I was trying to rescue you. See, I'd fallen asleep out of boredom and when you started to sing, I thought you were being tortured. I'm not sure I should have to apologize for that, but I'm really trying here.

3\. I'm sorry for cutting the heads off all of your dolls. But I needed them for target practice.

o.o.o.o.o

73\. I'm sorry for spying on you in the shower. It was Kankuro's fault. He'd told me you'd gotten your thing cut off in a fight. I just wanted to see. Wait, this one is really his fault after all. Well, I'm not starting this letter over just to erase this one apology, so just ignore it. Skip over to the next one.

74\. I'm sorry about setting your hair on fire and blaming it on Kankuro. Shit. I forgot about that one in his letter. And he got a black eye from you on that one too. Well. I'm not re-writing his letter, so you can tell him I've apologized to both of you in this letter. That should cover it.

75 I'm sorry for calling you a bitch after you tried to stop me from eating your ice cream. Nope. Actually, I'm not really sorry about that one. You weren't sharing.

o.o.o.o.o

912\. I'm sorry for murdering your first two boyfriends. It wasn't that they annoyed me or weren't good enough for you, it was just for fun really. Oh, and I know you blame me for the freak sandstorm that killed your fourth boyfriend, but really, I didn't have anything to do with that one.

913\. I'm sorry for maiming your third boyfriend, but look on the bright side. He lived.

o.o.o.o.o

1023\. I'm sorry for practicing my Desert Coffin Jutsu on you. Hey, at least Baki stopped me. Actually he bribed me. You were worth a dozen cream filled donuts.

1024\. I'm sorry I thought you were only worth a dozen cream filled donuts. I should have asked for more.

o.o.o.o.o

1579\. I'm sorry for tossing you through that window after that one fight we had.

1580\. I'm sorry the window was on the third floor.

1581\. I'm sorry I didn't get you any flowers while you were in the hospital.

1582\. I'm sorry I ate all the chocolates you got while you were in the hospital.

1583\. I'm sorry for replacing your pain medicine with hallucinogens. Hey you had fun, why don't you give me a pass on this one?

o.o.o.o.o

4261\. I'm sorry for all the 'passing wind' jokes while you practiced with your fan. Okay, not really. And compared to the other stuff on this list, this is really mild.

4262\. I'm sorry that I have so much to apologize for. I'm stopping here. I'd like to get these letters finished by the end of this year. But you get the picture. Besides, I''m getting writer's cramp. If I did it, then I'm sorry.

Sincerely, Gaara

P.S. Oh, and I'm sorry for saying 'screw you' at the top of this letter!

Double P.S. Oh, and I promise not to try to kill Nara Shikamaru. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next letter: Hmmm ... ?


	3. Writing to Konoha

After delivering his letters to his sibling's rooms, Gaara relaxed and ate an early breakfast. Sunrise would be soon. His eyes felt gritty and he was incredibly tired, but he also knew that he'd be getting his second wind soon. Second? Bah. He hadn't slept in two days. Somewhere deep inside, he could feel Shukaku stirring ominously.

So, to distract himself, he went for a walk around Suna. Gaara strolled quietly through the streets, avoiding the guards since he tended to make them nervous. He watched as the sun rose and painted the buildings and the streets, making them glow with colors that stung the eye with their brilliance.

Why had he not noticed before, how pretty Suna could be? He'd walked here all his life. He knew he'd seen countless sunrises. But lately, things had been looking different to him. Ever since he'd returned from the debacle of the attack on Konoha.

As usual, thoughts of the Leaf village, brought with it images of a few certain ninja. He supposed that it wasn't only his siblings he needed to be thinking about with his letters. Somehow he didn't think Iko would let him slide just writing to Temari and Kankuro.

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Rock Lee,

Hi. You might think it strange to be getting a letter from me, but it is important. I'm in the middle of a 12 step program in order to deal better with my anger issues. The step I'm currently working on is where I make a list of all those I've wronged and try to make amends where possible. So here goes.

Wait. This is hard. I can't really apologize for attacking your village, since I was following the Kazekage's orders. Even though he did turn out to be a fake. OH! Perfect.

1\. I'm sorry that I didn't realize that the Kazekage had been murdered and replaced! Good one, eh?

2\. I'm sorry for being so rude to you and everyone else when I got there.

o.o.o.o.o

16\. I'm sorry that I thought you were weak.

17\. I'm sorry that I underestimated you. REALLY sorry about that one since you actually hurt me. Still not sure how I feel about that too.

o.o.o.o.o

28\. I'm sorry that I think your haircut is stupid. I even wondered if you were hiding weapons or something under all that hair.

29\. I'm sorry that when I found out you had no hidden weapons in your hair, I thought you were gay. You're not are you? Please say no. Pleassse?

30\. I'm sorry that I spied on you in the Forest of Death.

31\. I'm sorry that I fondled your female teammate with my sand while she slept. Shit. That's ANOTHER person I have to write a fucking letter too! Damn it.

32\. I'm sorry for cursing.

o.o.o.o.o

54\. I'm sorry that I tried to kill you.

55\. I'm sorry that I was upset that I didn't kill you.

56\. I'm sorry for mocking you. But man, you make it sooo easy!

o.o.o.o.o

77\. I'm sorry that I tried to kill you. No, I'm not repeating myself. I tried again. You were asleep in the hospital room.

78\. I'm sorry you got so hurt trying to defeat me. Although I'm not sorry I won.

79\. I guess I could be sorry that I'm NOT sorry that I won. (This sentence is making my head hurt).

o.o.o.o.o

102\. I'm sorry for the random murders I committed in your village.

103\. I'm sorry that I can't recall every murder I committed, not even the ones in that short a length of time as our visit. Let's see, there was the sound ninja, and the two hoodlums at the stadium, the café worker who tried to short change me, and the clerk who just called me 'shorty' …. No, I'm sorry, I can't remember them all.

104\. Most of all, I'm sorry you're still hurt.

I've never told anyone to 'get better soon' or stupid stuff like that. I've never cared if anyone recovered before. Not sure if I do now, actually. Anyway. Get better soon. I wouldn't mind fighting you again.

Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand

P.S. What do you want for amends? I can send you a coupon for my sister's stylist. I'm sure she can do something about those brows. And the hair. Man, that sucks.

Double P.S. I'm sorry I don't like your hair. But geeez!

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara paused as he sealed his letter to Rock Lee, shaking his hand as he winced. Damn writing cramps! He looked up at a small 'thud' overhead. Sounded like Temari was finally up, that meant she'd be shaking Kankuro awake soon enough. He wondered what they'd think of his letters of apology.


	4. Writing to a Stranger

Gaara sat and stared up at the ceiling, wondering what kind of reaction his letters of apology would garner. He didn't have to wait long.

Temari's screech made him wince and shake his head. Damn, that was piercing!

The blonde virago came flying down the stairs clutching her letter and red in the face. Gaara was a bit surprised. He knew she had a temper, but she never displayed it to him at least. What with the fear of being killed of course.

He watched, more than a little bemused, as she got right up to him and opened her mouth to yell at him just as she had done with Kankuro all these years. And then she froze.

Gaara smiled. Yep, she'd just remembered she was afraid of him, and why.

Temari paled and backpedaled, nearly falling on her ass as she shook the letter at him. "You …you ….how …why ….and why are you not angry ... are you ... sm ...smil... smiling?!"

Gaara shrugged. "You forgot your fear of me all the way until you got down here. You never would have even considered getting this upset with me before, no matter what I'd done. So, the fact that you forgot, even for a short while, means my plan is working."

Temari sputtered, her mouth resembling that of a fish out of water. It was amusing to watch actually. He thought about apologizing for thinking she looked like a cod fish, but he'd already written his letter to her. All new apologies were moot points as far as he was concerned.

Kankuro came grumbling down the stairs, rubbing his eyes and clutching his letter too. He looked at Gaara and then to Temari. The sand puppeteer gauged the current moods and shrugged, at least their sister was still alive. It meant Gaara must really be changing.

"Yeh. A puppy would be good." Was all Kankuro said as he headed toward the refrigerator.

"Puppy?" Sputtered Temari, confused and still freaked out by everything going on.

"For amends." Gaara specified. "I have to make amends, and I offered to get Kankuro a new puppy."

Temari nodded, then narrowed her eyes. "You didn't offer me any amends! And you killed three of my boyfriends!"

Gaara snorted. "Don't exaggerate, it was only two. The third one was only maimed. And I keep telling you, that last one was not my fault!"

"Sudden sandstorm, freak accident, and you'd already killed or maimed three of my boyfriends, what was I supposed to think?" She yelled, then covered her mouth in shock. She'd yelled at Gaara.

"Damn woman, you scream like a banshee." Gaara rubbed his ears in irritation.

Slowly, the tension ebbed from Temari as she realized that she wasn't going to die. It took a moment for her breathing to settle, then she remembered something. "So, what are you offering me in amends?"

"A puppy?" Gaara asked hopefully, "you can share with Kankuro."

Temari's face hardened.

"No, didn't think that would work." Gaara said, "Wait a minute! I did too offer you amends!"

"Uh no, I'd kinda remember that!"

"Sure I did. I promised not to try and kill Nara Shikamaru, your new boyfriend."

"HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"

Kankuro snorted derisively. "Yah, yank the other leg there will ya Temari? I saw you cuddled up nice and cozy with him right before we left Konoha." The Sand puppeteer ducked just in time to miss being nailed by the iron skillet his sister had chucked at his head.

"Yep. I have offered my amends. Do you accept?" Gaara sneered.

Temari looked down her nose at her little brother, the monster. "No. You have to leave him alive in order to complete your precious 'change'. For amends …"

Gaara and Kankuro both stopped, waiting for her to finish, knowing it wasn't going to be good.

"You have to be NICE to him."

Gaara nearly threw up at the thought.

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Tsunade-sama,

I'm really in a FOUL mood after a certain conversation and promise that I did NOT want to give. So I apologize in advance if I sound angry in this letter. But that's kind of the point, really. I'm working on changing and getting rid of my anger issues. To do that I have to list all those I've wronged and make amends where possible.

So you might be wondering why I'm writing you since we've never actually met. Well. I actually need to apologize to the Third Hokage. But he's dead. So it's to you then.

1\. I apologize that the Third Hokage was killed in that assault by us and the Sound ninja. Just remember, I didn't actually have any direct participation in his death.

2\. I apologize for the destruction of several acres of arable land during above mentioned attack.

3\. I apologize for any and all injuries on your shinobi during my matches, and during the time between matches, and during the time before matches, and ...well, I hope you get the picture since they did make you Hokage and all.

o.o.o.o.o

39\. I apologize for murdering a few people in your village during the chuunin exams. I can't list them all, I've already tried. So I'm issuing this blanket apology to cover them all. Yep.

40\. Uhm, well, I also got mad during the chuunin exams and had no one to take it out on, so I went to a neighboring village and slaughtered them all. It made me feel better at the time. Since there is no one left there to apologize to, I'm giving it to you. Sorry.

41\. I apologize for laughing and feeling good after slaughtering a whole village. That really does sound bad doesn't it?

o.o.o.o.o

75\. I apologize for using my 'sand eye' jutsu to watch the women's bath house. Actually, I really shouldn't have to apologize for this one, since the time I spent peeping helped keep me sane. That's no small feat I have to admit. So this one actually helped save several of you villagers lives. Let's just call this one even.

76\. I apologize for being rude to several of your villages. Okay, okay, ALL of your villagers.

77\. I apologize for going to sleep during my fight with Naruto. And no, I'm not explaining this one, it would take too damn long.

78\. I apologize for being disappointed in not killing more of the Leaf shinobi. Let's just say I've changed my mind on most of them. And the one I might one day wish to kill, I've just promised NOT to kill. Stupid women.

79\. I apologize for calling women stupid. Though, it's almost an oxymoron.

80\. I want to apologize for the above remark about women, but I don't want to lie outright. So, we'll just say that I'm sorry that I feel that way right now. Okay?

o.o.o.o.o

114\. I apologize for everything that I haven't listed, or don't remember, about my time in the Leaf Village.

115\. Oh, and not to be crass or anything. But from what I've heard about you and your … attributes. I'm actually really sorry you weren't IN the bathhouse while I was there.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. As for amends. Well. I've already promised someone not to kill a certain one of your shinobi. Can we call it quits with that?

Most Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand

P.S. I need to write to Uchiha Sasuke as well. But I don't have his forwarding address. Do you know how to get a letter to him, I would be most appreciative.


	5. Puppy!

Dear Kuzao,

As you know, I've been working with your fellow councilor, Iko in order to get control over my anger issues. You might be wondering why I'm writing you this letter. Well, this is part of my efforts to change. I'm making a list of all those I've wronged and am trying to make amends where possible.

As the head of our council, I'm writing just this one letter and you can share it with all the council members. It would take to long to copy out all of my …misdeeds to all of you over and over again. So don't ask.

First of all, I'm sorry for being born with the demon Shukaku. But since it was not my fault, and you are all culpable anyway. You should be apologizing to me!

I'm sorry for blaming you for my troubles with Shukaku. Wait, no I'm not.

Okay, so what am I sorry for?

I'm sorry you were stupid enough to agree with my father's decision about infusing me with the sand demon before I was ever born.

Okay, so this isn't going like it's supposed to. I'm sorry for that. Stupid anger problems.

Fine. Here's the real list:

1\. I'm sorry for the sand storm last year that destroyed the west side. But it sure was pretty wasn't it?

2\. I'm sorry for killing and maiming many sand villagers over the years. Please don't make me list them all. I don't think I can. Too many, and for some of them I was too young to get their names.

o.o.o.o.o

342\. I'm sorry for watching you all as you slept with my 'sand eye' jutsu. By the way, some of you are a bit freaky. Kuzao, does your wife know where you go before you go home each night? And I want extra credit for not stooping to blackmail.

343\. I'm sorry for killing council member Ano's second son. He was a jerk anyway and not good enough for Temari. Does it help that she cried over him?

344\. I'm also sorry for killing Ano's cousin, what was his name? I know you never found the body and thought he went 'missing nin' and all. I can show you where I stashed his body if it helps though.

o.o.o.o.o

902\. I'm sorry for fondling Ano's granddaughter's best friend with my sand. She didn't complain, why should you? I may need to write her a letter too, can you give me her name?

903\. I'm sorry for destroying the greenhouse when I was seven. The bee sting destroyed my control, it was the first time I'd ever been hurt.. It was a long time ago anyway.

o.o.o.o.o

2,111. I'm sorry for clogging the public pool with sand, but everyone was being mean to me.

2,112. I'm sorry for pulling Kankuro's pants down at his formal. I shouldn't have to apologize for this one since I put it in HIS letter. But I thought I owed you all a special apology since I didn't know he was 'commando'.

2,113. I'm sorry that Ano's niece fainted at the sight of Kankuro at the formal. Again, I reiterate, I pulled his pants down. The fact he was bare underneath IS NOT MY FAULT!

o.o.o.o.o

4,922. I'm sorry for chasing all the girls out of the bath house nude with my 'sand creature' sculpture. I was bored. And I saw council elder Toki didn't look that upset, in fact I think he looked happy before he passed out from the nose bleed.

4,923. I'm sorry that I replaced all of the sugar in the council members houses with sand. I'm sure it didn't make the coffee taste good. But you'd just agreed with my father to try and assassinate me again. I was pissed. In fact, anything I did in retaliation for assassination attempts should be exempt.

o.o.o.o.o

7,541. I'm sorry for having my sand push the dog shit in front of Ano's foot as he was walking down the street that one time. I wasn't pissed then, just bored again. And it was funny.

7,542. I'm sorry for the senseless destruction of the council room after you all voted for …wait, we decided these were exempt right? Moving on.

o.o.o.o.o

9,187. I'm sorry that I kept a secret from you Kuzao. Do I have to tell the secret? Shit, probably. You know your eldest granddaughter? And how she never told you the father of her child? No, don't panic, it's not me. But you might want to talk with my brother. Maybe Baki too. And Ano's nephew. And Toki's youngest. And Baki's cousin on his mother's side. And, well, there's a few more but I don't know all of them. Did you know she's a screamer? I have had a lot of fun watching her bedroom window for many years now, it's a well used window.

9,188. I'm sorry I spied on your granddaughter. But she knew I was there and even gave me tea once while I watched. I actually think she's kind of nice.

o.o.o.o.o

12,323. I'm sorry that I killed that messenger from the Village Hidden in the Snow. Not that he didn't deserve it, but that it led to war. Hey, we won right?

12,324. I'm sorry for the mysterious death of Toki's cousin's second youngest. I know you all think I killed him, but as I explained to Temari in her letter … this one I had NOTHING to do with. But I am sorry you all think I did.

Anyway, I'm sure that there's a lot more. But my hand really hurts right now and I'm stopping. Besides, as you can see, I'm running out of ink. We'll just call this letter 'Part One'. Okay?

Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara winced and stretched his hand and eyed his desk. He was going to need to order a lot more paper and ink.

"Gaara?! What the fuck is this?" Kankuro shouted.

The red-haired demon vessel sighed and followed the noise to the sitting room. He saw Kankuro starring at Killer.

"It's a puppy."

"That's not a puppy! That's a hairless rat!" Kankuro threw a furious look at his brother.

Gaara looked over at Killer. "The man at the shelter said he was a puppy."

"It's a Chihuahua! That's not a proper dog!"

"You didn't specify."

Kankuro groaned as the little dog starting yipping. "This is all so wrong. Why this dog, Gaara? Why this one?"

"I was looking for one that would do well in a desert climate. This one was shivering, it obviously would do better in a heated environment."

"You adopted this dog for me, because it looked cold?"

"Well, yeah."

Kankuro sat down and dropped his head into his hands. Killer walked over and sniffed the puppeteer's leg, then raised his leg and peed on him.

"EEEWWWWWWW!" Kankuro jumped up, disgusted. "Gaara, you are cleaning that up!"

Gaara smirked as he left the room. "No. It's YOUR puppy after all."


	6. To All the Girls

Dear Konoha girls (or should it be girls of Konoha?):

You might think it strange to get a letter from me, but I've been told that in order to change for the better, I need to address my anger problems. Part of that is to make a list of wrong doings and make amends where possible. Thus this letter.

Since this letter is going out to all of you, and I don't want to copy it over and over again, I'm just writing this one to all of you.

First, I apologize for attacking your village. This one has been covered in other letters, but needed to be said anyway. I was ordered to attack and I did. The guy who did the ordering was an imposter. I've already apologized for not recognizing the switch. All other apologies stemming from this attack (like damages to the land) were covered in my letter to your Hokage.

I'm going to try and go in order.

1\. I apologize to the pink-haired girl for being rude to her when first introduced.

2\. I'm sorry that I don't remember Pinky's real name.

o.o.o.o.o

11\. I'm sorry that I knocked Pinky out during my fight with Sasuke and Naruto.

12\. I apologize again for remembering their names and not hers. But hey, if she failed to make an impression, that is not technically my fault. Right?

o.o.o.o.o

27\. I apologize for using my 'sand eye' jutsu to spy on her in the ladies bath.

28\. I'm sorry for taking you hostage during my fight with Naruto, but you were easy pickings really. And you kept nicely quiet, it kept me from having to split my attention. My sister could have done better. Kankuro too, maybe.

29\. I'm sorry for fondling you with my sand while you were caught in my 'giant' sand claw hand thingy. Hey, it was right there! Kind of hard to ignore. And you're curvier than your clothes let on. Have you thought about a new uniform?

o.o.o.o.o

42\. I'm sorry for all the awful names I called you behind your back. Although why I need to apologize for something you didn't even hear is beyond me, but my brother insists that I should.

43\. I'm sorry for telling everyone I met that you were a lousy lay. I really don't have an excuse for that one. Said it mostly for the shock value, especially when I told this one woman who turned out to be your mother.

44\. I'm sorry I called your mother ugly names, but at least it was mostly to her face.

45\. I'm sorry that I used my sand to later sneak a peek at your mother at the bathhouse. And trust me, she should be the one apologizing. Nearly made me want to tear out my eyes.

46\. Okay, next. I'm sorry to the girl with the buns on her head for not remembering her name. I called her Lea the whole time I was there, but it wasn't meant badly. I liked Star Wars.

47\. I'm sorry that the Emperor from Star Wars was my hero and role model. I'm sorry he died. He had such potential.

o.o.o.o.o

69\. I'm sorry that I have no need to apologize to you for watching you in the bath house. You weren't interesting enough.

70\. I'm sorry that I DID fondle you with my sand while you were asleep in the Forest of Death part of our exams. But it was because of that, that I decided you weren't worth peeking at when I went to the bath house.

71\. I don't think I have to apologize that I didn't find you attractive, do I?

o.o.o.o.o

94\. I will apologize for being disappointed that Lee saved you from dying or serious injury after you lost that battle to my sister, Temari. I was all for a little entertaining bloodshed at that point, I was getting bored.

95\. I'm sorry that the thought of your shedding blood entertained me.

96\. I'm sorry that I contemplated murdering you later since Temari failed to do so. But my fight with Lee made me forget all about you.

97\. I'm sorry that I forgot all about you. But since it probably saved your life, that's good right?

98\. At least I don't have to apologize to blonde Inna for forgetting her name. I even remember one of her teammates name, although Shikamaru's is one I'd like to forget. Stupid sister and her promises.

99\. I apologize for all the sexual jokes I thought up based on you. But I didn't have any friends to share them with, so it didn't really matter. But I'll apologize anyway just in case this still counts.

100\. I apologize for all the sexual fantasies I thought about based on you and the purple-haired girl. Some with me with you either separately or together. Mostly of the two of you together in a naked fight with whipped cream and chocolate.

101\. I'm sorry for not listing each fantasy about you individually, but I don't have that much time or paper.

o.o.o.o.o

126\. I apologize for spying on you at the bath house. Often. Over and over. Especially when you bent over to grab your towel that kept falling.

127\. I apologize for using my control over sand to tug your towel down over and over. And over and over. And over …well, you get the picture. Don't worry though, I did it to the purple haired chick too.

o.o.o.o.o

141\. I apologize for fondling you with my sand while you slept in the Forest of Death. And in your home. And during the cat nap you took on the hillside. And while you were distracted during those shopping trips. And …well, pretty much everywhere. Didn't you ever wonder where all that sand in your underwear was coming from? I mean, really!

142\. If you want a more personal apology, you are welcome at Suna anytime. Seriously. Come anytime. I'll even try to behave. It'll be hard, but I'll try. Bring the purple hair girl if you want, but Lea has to stay behind.

143\. I apologize for not wanting Lea to visit. She can visit Kankuro if she'd like, I guess. She wouldn't have to worry about me at all. Not at all.

144\. I apologize to the purple haired girl for all the above mentioned items in which she was mentioned.

145\. I apologize for fondling the purple girl too. Often. At length.

146\. I apologize for all the pleasure I got from doing these things to you and Inna. And that's a LOT.

147\. I apologize for using up all the clean linen at the bathhouse. Several times.

o.o.o.o.o

173\. I apologize for only remembering the color of purple girl's hair. Not that I ever saw her FACE. Ooops. I have to apologize for that too.

174\. I apologize for telling Naruto that the purple girl was into other girls. I didn't want him to like her. In fact, I did tell him that Lea was really hot in bed.

175\. I apologize to bun girl (Lea) for telling Naruto she was hot in bed. Don't worry, I'll apologize to him later for telling that lie. I just wanted him to look at her, not the other girls.

Anyway, I'm sure there's more, but I'm being called to supper. I'm rushing this off tonight. Hope this letter finds you all well. There, see, I can be gracious.

As for amends? Well, how about a weeks paid vacation for each of you to Sunny Suna? Accommodations included. Lots of fun and sun. Oh, and I guess you can invite Lea too, you know - the girl with the bun head.

Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand


	7. Secretarial Woes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was having a Monty Python moment ...

Late the next afternoon, Gaara was icing his hand. There had to be a better way to do this letter writing. The sand couldn't help him here. Or maybe he could use the sand to control the pen? No. That used too much chakra to control a pen with enough precision. Something less tiresome then, perhaps a secretary? Yeah, that ought to help. The knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.

Gaara didn't move, but his sand roiled out from the gourd to wrap itself around the door handle. The Suna guard outside looked spooked as the door seemingly opened on its own.

"That's just creepy." Kankuro groused, not looking up from his 'project'.

"Oh, and that's not creepy." Gaara eyed the disjointed parts of a puppet spread out all over the table. Was it his imagination, or was Karasu's head, unattached to anything, scowling at him? "Besides, he's a new guard. He'll get used to the way I open doors."

"If you don't kill this one." Kankuro casually replied, making the un-named guard's eyes widen with fear as he approached the table.

Gaara snarled, making the guard tremble. "That was a long, long time ago. Two or three months at least. And thank you SO much for reminding me of that, now I have to add it to 'Part 2' of my letter to the Suna council."

"E…exx…exc…." The guard stuttered.

Gaara frowned up at the man, making the stammering worse.

"Oh, get it out man. He's much less likely to be irritated by the message than your slow way of g…g…gee….gett..getting it out." Kankuro sighed heavily, his fingers moving over the small parts with a delicate touch.

Karasu's disembodied head turned with a chattering sound to stare at the guard.

The guard dropped the message on the table and backed away, his eyes shifting nervously between Karasu and Gaara, his fear obvious.

After the man was gone, Kankuro groaned. "Did you see that? He was scared of you, no surprise there. But he was more scared of Karasu than he was of me! It's not like the puppet can do anything on his friggin' own!"

"Kill a few guards for little to no reason and they'll fear you." Gaara told him with casual disregard as he picked up the message. "But then they might send assassins after you, or worse yet …make you write down all your mistakes. I think I liked it better when they kept sending people to kill me. Made good practice for me anyway."

Kankuro nodded. It was a sign that his brother really was changing for the better. He'd not actually injured or killed anyone in nearly 72 hours. A new record.

"Oh fuck you." Gaara frowned as he scanned the message. "You left the door open again and Killer got out again last night. He's at the southern guard house."

Kankuro's shoulders rounded as he kept his head down. He didn't admit to intentionally leaving the door open in the hopes that 'Killer', as the Chihuahua was known, would run away. That was not a puppy, it was an overgrown hairless rat! And it kept peeing in his boots. At least the ones that he hadn't chewed to pieces with his tiny, evil teeth.

"Sorry." He murmured.

"Well." Gaara stared pointedly at him. "Go get your puppy. He must be starving by now. Stop by at the café and pick up some steak for him, make sure they chop it really small. He almost choked last time. And wrap him up safely, he might have been cold last night."

Kankuro kept his voice calm, but only barely. "It's a desert, Gaara. Of course he's not cold! And we don't eat steak as much as you feed that mutt."

Gaara stared hard at his brother, the fires deep in his eyes reflecting the power inherent in his smaller frame. Kankuro swallowed and backed up a step.

"Fine. I'm on my way."

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Naruto:

As you may or may not have heard, I'm using a 12 step program to come to terms with my anger. It seems that I owe you a letter listing my 'wrongs' towards you and attempting to make amends. So, here it is. Oh, this isn't my handwriting, it's some stupid girl from the council office.

o8o Hi! I'm Ano. And I'm not stupid. o8o

Okay, here goes:

1\. I'm sorry that I was so rude to you at our first meeting. I'd like to say it was an intentional part of our evil plan to attack your village. But the truth is, that was just me.

o8o Yep, that sounds like him! - Ano o8o

2\. I'm sorry that I discounted you as a non-threat and a general boob.

3\. I'm sorry that I called you all sorts of stupid names, most of which I can't even remember.

o.o.o.o.o

16\. I'm sorry that I was rude to all the other people in your village. But since I was pretty rude to everyone, you shouldn't feel so bad about my being rude to you in particular.

17\. Yet I'm sorry that I was rude to you especially. I didn't like you.

18\. I'm sorry that I didn't like you.

o.o.o.o.o

32\. I'm sorry that I tried to kill your friend, Lee. And to keep from repeating myself, use this apology for ALL the times I tried to kill Lee. Or even thought about killing Lee. Or planned on how to kill Lee. If I apologized for all those times this letter might be miles long.

o8o Ouch. Is this Lee guy still alive? Wow. - Ano o8o

33\. I'm sorry that I threatened you and Nara at the hospital. That was very rude of me, or so I'm told.

34\. I'm sorry that I told you and Nara about Shukaku. I wonder if I hadn't told you, then you might not have found a way to fight me so effectively later. Everything could have been different.

o8o Wow. You fought Gaara and lived too? I wouldn't mind meeting you, you know. - Ano o8o

35\. I'm sorry that part of me still wishes I'd won that fight. Mostly that is Shukaku, but some of its me too. Sorry 'bout that.

o.o.o.o.o

58\. I'm sorry that I didn't take the time to get to know you better. I was so busy fondling your Leaf kunoichis that I didn't realize who and what you are. We're a lot alike.

o8o Hmph. You're like him?! I don't want to meet you after all. - Ano o8o

o.o.o.o.o

73\. I'm sorry that you got so injured fighting me. Except, I'm not sorry for the fight itself.

o8o I wouldn't mind meeting this Lee fellow though – Ano o8o

74\. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for the fight. But without that fight I wouldn't have faced my anger issues. I wouldn't be trying so hard to change. So, no …I'm not sorry we fought.

75\. I am sorry I took your teammate hostage.

76\. I'm sorry I taunted Susuke.

77\. I'm sorry I taunted you.

78\. I guess, I'm just plain sorry. This is actually the hardest letter it was to write …

o8o he's not writing it, I am! - Ano o8o

…but probably one of the most important. So not only do I want to say that "I'm sorry" I also want to say "Thank you."

Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand

o8o And Ano of Suna o8o

P.S. If you're wondering about the line I drew through certain portions of this letter, don't bother. My EX-secretary told you she wasn't stupid, but she was. Did she think I wouldn't read this before sending it to you?

Double P.S. If you're wondering why I don't just write it all out again, well the reason I had a secretary in the first place because my hand hurts. Second, I couldn't find another secretary after she went screaming off about a Sand 'dragon' attacking her. I'm almost as good as Kankuro using sand sculptures instead of puppets. Dragon? Sheeesh.

Triple P.S. Do you reckon that I need to write her an apology? I hope not.


	8. An Unexpected Letter

Greetings Orochimaru:

Note, I didn't say 'dear', because calling you that just seems fucking weird. To answer your question, Yes - I was extremely surprised and pleased to receive your letter. But not really for the reasons you may be thinking. See, I just needed Sasuke's address and no one seemed to have it except for you. And here I get a letter from you! Sheer good luck.

On the other hand. To answer your other question. No fucking way. Yes, I do agree that you did me a favor by killing my father. And the old coots who advised him were no friends of mine. Yet, you cheated me out of the chance to do him in myself. I just can't forgive that actually.

So no, I will not be joining you and the others you have collected. I will not join forces with you and hold your hand throughout the long winter nights. Actually, I know you didn't ask that one, but dude …I can read between the lines.

So. Thank you for Sasuke's address. As for the rest, fuck off.

Never more sincere than now,

Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

Fuck you Orochimaru:

I just sent the response to your letter off only three hours ago. And now I've had time to sit down and really think. No, I haven't changed my mind. And no I will never hold your hand, so get over it.

But. I have been involved lately in a program designed to deal with my 'anger issues'. I've been making a list of those I've wronged and attempting to make some sort of amends, but only where it doesn't cause harm. I didn't even think about you being on my list until I got your letter. I suppose I do owe you one, so saying that, here goes:

1\. I apologize for the rather curt way I told you 'no' in my previous letter. I still mean 'no', but I could have been nicer about it I suppose.

2\. I apologize for being jealous that you were the one to kill my father rather than me. Petty thing to be sure, but I really wanted to do it myself.

3\. I apologize for writing 'fuck you' in the salutation part of this letter. I'm trying to deal with my anger issues, but it's a work in progress.

o.o.o.o.o

17\. I'm sorry that I ruined your plan in regards to the Uchiha. Although, since he came to you anyway, I don't see that this is a huge problem.

18\. I'm sorry that I've changed enough to see that I don't want to murder and cause mayhem for no good reason. (Note: For a good reason I can still be talked into it though).

19\. I apologize that I don't find the reasoning of revenge a good enough reason to destroy the Leaf Village. If it were for MY revenge, I might reconsider. But to avenge you, when you were the one to leave them …that's just stupid.

20\. I apologize for calling your lust for the destruction of your former home to be 'stupid'. But, dude, it really is you know.

o.o.o.o.o

33\. Oh, yeah. I nearly forgot. I'm sorry for murdering that sound ninja of yours. Doza, Dosu, oh shit … I'm sorry that I'm really bad with names. Once I kill them, I don't see the point in remembering their names.

34\. I'm sorry your sound ninja were so weak to begin with. "A sound and fury signifying ….nothing." Hey! I made a literary quote! Get it? Sound? Sound ninjas? And they died …so they came to nothing! Did you know my sister would be shocked? She didn't even know I could read or write beyond the first grade level. That's because I was asked not to return to school after I killed my first grade teacher, well all three of them really. And their aides. Shit, now I have to go and add that to my council apology letter. Shit.

o.o.o.o.o

41\. I apologize for insinuating you were gay in my previous letter. But dude, if you're not, you need to rethink the whole wardrobe and make-up scheme. I told Kankuro the same thing just last night, so don't feel bad.

Anyway, I think that's it. And you're lucky really, only 41 items, that's pretty could considering how much I really don't like you.

And this letter alone stands for any 'amends' you might want from me. Because that's all I feel you deserve. I'm sorry that I feel that way, but you really did screw me up by killing off my father like that. I was saving his torturous death for a special occasion.

Still Sincere,

Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara winced and flexed his fingers. Too bad he'd scared off all the potential secretaries, they couldn't all be as stupid as the last one, could they?

Killer whined and licked Gaara's foot. The sand demon vessel smiled and petted the Chihuahua puppy.

"Gaara!" Temari's voice made Killer whimper and hide between Gaara's feet.

"In here!"

Temari came through the door holding an oddly wrapped package and a letter. "This was left for you at the front gates."

Curious, Gaara reached for the letter as Killer started sniffing the air and crawled out from beneath his feet.

"Hmmm…. It's from some girl at Konoha. Curious, I would have expected a reply from the Hokage first." Gaara mused as he slit open the letter. "I did write to Tsunade first."

Temari shrugged, pushing away Killer with one foot as he tried to climb her leg to get to the package she was holding. "Maybe she was away, or working on 'Hokage stuff', who cares. Who's this one from?"

Gaara shrugged. "Some girl named TenTen. I don't recognize that name. Do you?"

His sister shook her head. "No, all their girls were so weak and all I didn't even bother."

Gaara looked up from the letter to look at her. "Maybe you need to write them an apology letter."

Temari laughed, "No, I'll leave that to you. I'm not the one with anger issues."

Gaara wasn't so sure about that, but shrugged it off. "Hey! This bitch is not very nice!"

"What does she say?"

Gaara tossed the letter into the air and ripped it to shreds with whirls of sand. "She called me all sorts of vile names. And even said that I had to be gay! Can you imagine? Then she called me a fucking pervert with a death wish. Now, how can I be gay and a woman-fondling pervert? Does that even make sense."

Temari's jaw dropped. "She called you all that and you've never even met her?"

Gaara shrugged. "Maybe she was jealous that she didn't get a chance to meet me."

Kankuro walked in eating a slice of red velvet cake. "What's that?" He mumbled around the crumbs, pointing at the box Temari still held. Killer was bouncing up and down like a child's toy trying to get the box from her.

"Dunno." She put it down and opened it.

All three stared inside as Killer tried to climb inside.

Gaara reached down and picked up the puppy and put it outside the room, closing the door. "He doesn't need to see anything like that, he's still a child."

Kankuro groaned, putting down the rest of his cake as his stomach rebelled. "A puppy, Gaara, is not a child. And what the fuck is that thing?"

Temari was poking at it with her kunai. "I think it's a mutilated raccoon-dog. And it's been very nastily castrated too. A message perhaps?"

Gaara scowled. "Kankuro, do you remember a Konoha chick named TenTen?"

Kankuro swallowed the bile in his throat as he looked away from the bloody carcass in the box, the red velvet cake hadn't been such a good idea after all. He nodded, "Sure. She was that weapons chick that Temari whomped in the pre-lim rounds. The one with twin buns in her hair."

"Oh!" Temari and Gaara's eyes both widened.

"That explains the weapons sticking out of every orifice." Temari nodded, satisfied.

"Lea." Gaara nodded. "I couldn't remember her real name." He sighed. "Well, I won't go seeking revenge, but she's not getting any 'amends' from me that's for damn sure."

Kankuro and Temari both nodded as she boxed the poor carcass back up again for disposal. "It really stinks now, I wonder why it didn't before?"

Gaara shrugged. "Probably some sort of jutsu, who knows? By the way, Kankuro?"

His brother looked over at him, holding his nose from the smell.

"Why do you remember this chick when neither of us did? And Temari even fought her and everything."

Kankuro shrugged. "She had a nice ass."

Gaara rolled his eyes. "And she called ME a pervert. Women."


	9. Dear Sasuke

Dear Uchiha Sasuke,

Well, it can't be helped. You've probably already heard Orochimaru bitching about my first letter to him, maybe even the second, he's an asshole after all. Just another one of those jerks who loooves to hear himself talk, even when he's whining.

So I doubt that this letter comes as any great surprise to you, so I won't go into great detail other than to say this is an apology letter for my 12 step program to deal with my anger.

1\. I know you and Orochimaru are 'special' friends now and I apologize for talking badly about him. All the time.

2\. I apologize for all the times I WILL continue to talk bad about Orochimaru. Does an apology still count if you have no intention of stopping the actions you are currently apologizing for? See, only a couple of lines into this letter and I already have a headache. Not a good sign.

o.o.o.o.o

11\. I apologize for my part in Orochimaru's plan to capture you. But dude, if you wanted to 'be with' the snake guy, you really put me through a lot of trouble fighting like that.

12\. I apologize for being rude to you and your entire team when we first met. Blanket apology, I know, but I can't remember everything I said. I've always been rude, that apology letter would be MILES long.

o.o.o.o.o

27\. I apologize for everyone I killed while in your village that you liked. From what I could see though, you didn't like much of anyone, so this one is moot.

28\. I apologize for being the reason you were late to the final round. Petty of me, but effective showmanship. Actually it was Temari's idea, but I'm not apologizing for her, just my part in it all.

29\. I apologize for clogging up your volumizing mousse with sand, making you have to make an emergency run to the store. Again, I reiterate, this was my sister's stupid idea. I don't use mousse and never would have thought of it in the first place.

30\. I'm sorry that I listened to Temari. Actually, I really am sorry for this one. She gets on my nerves sometimes, doesn't she get on yours? Bah. Sisters. Though Kankuro's not much better, he whines more.

31\. Oh fuck. I'm sorry about whining about family given your past history. Baki made us research you since you were our target. I forgot about your family dude. Want my siblings? They're free.

32\. I'm sorry about offering you my siblings, they'd only cause you more trouble than they're worth. Unless you want them, then we'll talk.

o.o.o.o.o

45\. I'm sorry about taking your teammate hostage. You know, the chick with the pink hair. She's annoying too, but kinda pretty. You wouldn't want to swap would you? Her for Temari? That I could live with.

46\. I'm not going to apologize for my sibling's fights with you, that's their own business. I am apologizing for my personal animosity towards you though.

47\. I apologize for hating you and wanting to kill you. My orders were to capture you, as I'm sure Orochimaru told you already. The rat bastard.

48\. I'm sorry for calling your 'friend' a rat bastard. But dude, they say love his blind, yet you have those fantastic eyes. Can't you see him for what he is?

49\. I'm sorry. I'm just having difficulties picturing you two in a long term relationship. You'd have been better off staying at the Leaf village. Lee's a nice guy, you should give him a call. Or that long-haired guy, the one with the freaky white eyes. Freaky eyes or not, he's still better than a guy with a snake for a tongue. Unless you're into that.

50\. I'm sorry for throwing up at the thought of Orochimaru in a sexual way. But that's not just me being mean, that was a purely physical response I had no control over. So maybe I shouldn't apologize for this one.

o.o.o.o.o

81\. I'm sorry that I WAS sorry that Naruto kept me from killing both you and your teammate.

82\. I'm sorry for utterly humiliating you in front of both of your teammates. Pink-haired girl was unconscious for most of it, so this is really only half an apology item.

83\. I'm sorry that I overestimated you and underestimated Naruto. That doesn't sound right does it? I suppose this one should have been in Naruto's letter, but it's too late now.

84\. I apologize for writing Naruto first, but I couldn't find your address. I know what a competitive duo you are.

85\. I guess that's it. Except for another blanket apology for anything else I did or said about you that I don't remember.

Now for making amends. I know I offered you my siblings, but I just can't do it. Kankuro's not gay and would have a heart attack if I sent him to you and Orochimaru. Besides, that mental image of the three of you made me throw up again. Oh, and I didn't want to put Killer through all that. He's just a puppy and the snakes would probably eat him. So, you can't have Kankuro.

And I can't offer you my sister either, not for amends. But a straight up swap for one of the Leaf girls? That I could handle. Except for TenTen, I remember her name now because she sent me a really rude letter back. I don't want her. The pretty blond or the curvy purple-haired one would be best.

So, back to the subject of amends. How about a nice case of rabbits for your pet snakes? Or a gift certificate to a leather fetish store? I'm sure Orochimaru would like that one.

Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

"Oi Gaara." Temari walked in carrying a scroll letter. She wasn't touching it though, instead using tongs to carry it to him.

"What's with the tongs?" He asked, eyeing the scroll letter cautiously.

Temari shrugged. "The messenger was wearing gloves and carrying it like this, so I thought better to err on the side of caution."

Gaara sighed. "Probably another angry response. Doesn't anyone understand the fine art of apology any more?"

Temari frowned and set the scroll on a nearby table. Then turned to look at what Gaara had been up to this afternoon. "Who's this letter for? Can I read it?"

"NO!" Gaara rolled it up quickly. If Temari read the parts about her she'd demand a second apology letter, and his hand was already aching as it was.

"Sheesh, fine." She turned back to stare at the recently delivered scroll. "Think we should even bother opening it? Could be a trap."

Gaara looked at it too. "Well, it's addressed to me. You open it."

Temari jerked up to stare down at her little brother. "Why me?"

"It's addressed to me, probably won't do anything to you now would it?"

"Dunno. And that's the point." She scowled at him menacingly. Gaara frowned and hoped that Susuke would want to trade for her.

"You like snakes, right Temari?"

His sister raised one brow. "Ok. I have no idea what intellectual leap you just made, but focus. Possible trap. What now?"

Gaara shrugged. "Make Kankuro open it."

Temari thought about it and nodded. "Good idea."

o.o.o.o.o

Later, Kankuro walked in to see Temari and Gaara sitting on the other side of the room. "Ossu, what's up?"

"Nothing." Was Temari's bored response.

"But you called for me."

"We did?" Gaara scratched his head. "Don't recall."

"Okay, fine. Then if you don't need me, I've got some things to …"

"Before you go, would you hand me that scroll?" Gaara asked, pointing to one sitting on a low table.

Kankuro bent down and picked it up. Temari and Gaara held their breath, but nothing happened.

"Well shit." Gaara said. "That was anticlimactic."

Kankuro paused motionless, alarm making his eyes widen. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, just give it here." Gaara told him, disgust in his voice.

"No. Open it from over there." Temari said. "It's not hurting you, must be triggered by Gaara."

Kankuro's eyes got even bigger, looking down with unease at the scroll he was holding. "You bitch, you let me pick this up not knowing if it was a trap?"

She nodded sheepishly, unable to meet his eyes.

"No. You do it." He tossed the scroll toward Temari, who ducked and ran to the other side of the room. Gaara threw up a shield of sand.

But again, nothing happened. The scroll rolled to a stop as they all blinked, staring.

"Again with the anticlimactic." Gaara said. Then he used his sand to break the seal on the scroll while he stayed safely away.

"You should have done that in the first place, not made me pick it up!" Kankuro groused.

"Not as much fun." Gaara said as they all watched to see if anything would happen.

The scroll rolled open with a small hiss of escaping smoke. There was no writing, the sheet was blank. But the smoke was forming into a message.

"What does blood feud mean?" Asked Gaara as he scratched his head.

"Probably means they want your blood." Temari shrugged.

"Why?" Gaara whined.

"It seems they didn't appreciate your letter." Kankuro blinked at the harsh words floating above them. "And I think that smoke they're using is poisonous."

Gaara peered at the signature with distaste. "Who the fuck is that anyway? I never wrote him."

Temari shrugged. "Probably one of the Konoha's girls' fathers or some such. You did say you wrote a single letter covering each of them, right? Well this old dude probably read your letter and got all huffy. I doubt his daughter even got a chance to read it, much less respond."

Gaara stood up and narrowed his eyes. "Some people just don't get it. How am I supposed to overcome my issues with anger if they KEEP MAKING ME ANGRY?"

Kankuro and Temari took three big steps backwards in caution.

Particles swirled around Gaara's feet as he sent tendrils of sand to open the window, dissipating the poisonous smoke.

He coldly watched as Hyuuga Hiashi's name floated away on the breeze.

Then he blinked and the tension floated away too as he smiled. "Wait. If he was the one to declare a 'blood feud', that means I can draw his blood and not have to apologize for it, right?"

Kankuro and Temari glanced at each other and nodded. "Well, since technically he started it, sure."

Gaara smiled darkly. "Good."


	10. A Call to Arms

Gaara moaned and gripped his hand as the medic worked on it.

"That hurts!" He growled, then sighed as the medic ran out of the room whimpering. "Come back, I need you to fix this!"

But he knew it was useless as he saw the medic running for his life down the street through his office window. He winced and shook his hand. It felt like it was trying to turn into a withered claw from the pain. Gaara glanced down at the second part of the letter to the Suna council.

He hated that letter and wanted to burn it, but it was 119 pages long and those were pages he had no intentions of re-writing. Gaara glanced up irritably at the knock on his open door.

"Iko." He growled as the older man stepped inside clutching a bunch of papers. "I'm not done yet, but if you want you can get a head start on reading this letter before the council does. Do you have a secretary?" He asked, with a sudden thought.

"What are you doing?" The old man wailed and shook his ancient fist, papers rattling.

Gaara sighed, "Could you be a bit more specific?"

The old man pulled out the top paper and began reading: "I'm sorry for murdering your son, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was angry at my father."

Gaara thought for a moment. "No, you'll need to be more specific than that."

The old man wailed and sank into a chair. "This was a letter you sent to Madam Arakaki!"

"Oh. Yeah, I remember that one now. Her son was walking home right after I had an argument with my father. Sheer bad luck on his part." Gaara scratched his head and sighed. "That really was bad of me."

"Bad? Bad? Your father had made an effort to hide this from her! He told her that her son had died on a mission to save Suna! Now she's crying and wailing and in my office!" Iko glared at the young man, huffing.

"Ooops."

"That's all you have to say?" Iko demanded.

"Should I write you a personal letter or just add this one to the council letter?" Gaara asked and nodded to the piles of papers on his desk.

"Why are you writing these at all?" Iko yelled.

Gaara glared at the older man, his temper starting to run short. "You told me too! Make a list of all those you've wronged and make amends where it doesn't hurt."

"And it doesn't hurt Madam Arakaki to tell her that her son died at your angry whim rather than as a heroic shinobi?"

"Ooops." Gaara said again, dropping into his chair. "I didn't think about that."

"And what are you doing sending out these letters anyway?" The old man held up the sheaf again and rattled them for effect. "You're only supposed to write up a LIST of people you've wronged and possible ways to make amends. Not send them letters listing the wrongs themselves."

Silence stole over the room as Gaara's temple started to pound.

"You. Didn't. Tell. Me. That." Anger threaded the young man's voice as sand whipped in agitation around his slender frame.

"Settle down. You kill me and it's all over with being accepted by the council." Iko grumbled and the sand reaching for his feet receded reluctantly. "Now, are these the only letters?"

Gaara shrugged. "I doubt it. I've sent them everywhere."

Iko groaned and rubbed at his face. "Outside of Suna?"

Gaara nodded.

"May the gods spare us all. We'll be at war by the end of the week."

o.o.o.o.o

Iko had finally managed to convince the medics that Gaara wasn't going to kill them and they sent someone back over to tend to his aching hand. The young man was currently soaking his hand in a bowl of iced water as the nervous man was healing the swelling that ran all the way up to his elbow.

Temari burst through the door in a panic, making Gaara blink and sit up. The medic grumbled, then paled until Gaara leaned back for him. Finally the medic was starting to realize that Gaara really wasn't going to kill him.

"We've been attacked!" Temari told her younger brother rather breathlessly.

Gaara looked at her as she paced the room. "I haven't heard any alarms going off."

Temari shook her head. "Oh, it's over and all. Just a quick raid on an outpost. The council is 'debating' on the best course of action to retaliate."

"How bad was it?" Gaara asked her when she stopped pacing and stared out the window.

"Three dead and seven injured, but apparently our forces managed to repel them. Kankuro was there, he'll tell us about it later."

"Was he hurt?"

"Yes." Temari yawned. "He'll live, he's even excited about it."

Gaara shook his head in disgust. "Who was it that attacked?"

"Sound ninjas."

Both fell silent for a minute as they contemplated that fact.

Gaara was recalling Iko's prophetic words of earlier. "Am I the cause?"

"Yes."

"Oh, you don't really know that. You're just saying that to make me feel bad." Gaara sulked.

"Like hell, they only plastered copies of your letter to Orochimaru on the door of the outpost. One of them even nailed a bloodied hand to the door too."

"Really?" Gaara winced and wriggled his own numb fingers.

"Yah. MINE!" Kankuro crowed as he came barreling through the door waving his wrapped left stump. The hand had been severed just below the elbow.

Gaara and Temari rolled their eyes as Kankuro cackled wildly. "If anyone wants me I'll be in my workshop making a new arm. A puppet arm! Wait til you see what this baby can do! I was building it for a new puppet, but this is perfect. PERFECT! All sorts of attachments and cool weapons. You'll be so jealous!"

"Won't you need help to attach it?" Temari pointed out reasonably. "You only have the one hand right now."

"Nah. Karasu will help me." Kankuro ran off with a quick wave and a broad grin.

"He's sick." Temari said quietly. "He talks as if Karasu was real."

"No arguments here." Gaara told her. Then Gaara looked out the window and sighed. "Why are people so angry with me? I was only trying to do the right thing for a change."

"Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that you thought Orochimaru was gay."

"But it's obvious. He is so gay." Gaara whined as a servant entered and delivered a letter. Gaara looked at it and wondered if it was another trap.

With a shrug he reached for it and broke the seal. Nothing happened.

"Who's that from?" Temari asked quietly, staying on the far side of the room just in case.

"Dunno yet." Gaara opened the letter to read.

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Gaara of the Sand,

It was so wonderful to get your letter. I can not tell you how excited and pleased I was to read something so brilliant. It really made my day. I'm still recovering in the hospital, and your letter got to me when I was feeling particularly down. I should have remembered the power of YOUTH and vitality that runs through us all. I should have known you wouldn't have forgotten me.

I have to tell you, I am very pleased to read of your efforts to control your anger. This will be a hard road for you, but I have no doubts for your success in the end. Your youthful power runs strong in your veins and I hope that someday we will meet again for a friendly rematch.

Oh, and I was particularly interesting in your suggestion of weapons in my hair. I have been trying out several weapons lately to see which ones best suit this purpose. Kunai's are too heavy and keep poking out. I've been meeting with TenTen to discuss this issue, she has some wonderful ideas. Although she's quite upset with you. I've not figured out why, she goes all red in the face when I ask.

Oh, and to answer your question. I am gay. Gay. Gay. Gay! And your letter only made me more so. Happiness runs through me when I realize that your energetic youthfulness calls to mine! Tsunade is looking into options to cure me fully, then I will be gay and happy and frolic with the best of them. In the meantime, I look forward to Sakura's visits. She is soooo lovely a lotus blossom that I nearly cry every time I see her. I love her so.

Anyway, I won't keep you. But I hope you write again soon.

Sincerely, Rock Lee

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara finished and handed the letter to Temari, who scanned it quickly.

"He doesn't know what 'gay' means, does he?" Gaara asked when she finished.

"Sure he does. It means happy and frolicsome and all that crap. He just doesn't know the connotations." She sighed and smiled. "At least some one understands you though."

Gaara smiled and relaxed, making the medic stare in wonder.

"Finally, someone understands what I'm trying to do."

o.o.o.o.o


	11. What Now?

Gaara looked at the letters on his desk along with Temari and Kankuro.

"Do you think we should bother opening them?" His sister asked, nervously running her hands over her large fan.

Gaara shrugged. "I thought about just disposing of them, but …but I really want to know what they say."

Kankuro ignored them both as his left hand, looking completely normal yet made of wood and metal, shot out a large flap containing several lethal projectiles. Then the flap pulled back inside the arm, where a small compartment opened up for it and the whole thing folded up to where his arm looked like an arm again.

"If you do that one more time, I'll cut off the other arm." Temari hissed, but not taking her eyes off. Kankuro had been driving them crazy all week with all the gadgets he kept adding onto his artificial limb. The hand looked and acted completely normal, but held a lot of gimmicks and surprises. Her brother was a shinobi puppeteer after all.

Gaara peered over at his brother, then blinked as a thought occurred to him. "You have any shields built into your arm yet?"

Kankuro grinned widely, and gushed on and on about all the new things his arm could accomplish.

Sand wrapped around Kankuro's mouth, effectively silencing him as his eyes got big. "No, don't expand. Nod yes or no. Do you have any shields in that thing?"

Temari smirked as Kankuro nodded eagerly. The sand receded, leaving the puppeteer to cough and spit out what grains had gotten into his mouth.

Gaara nodded toward the small pile of letters. "Go for it."

Kankuro's eyes widened as he gleefully held out his new left arm. Another slot opened along the radius side of his forearm, this one was long and thin. A piece of wood extended quickly, folding out and out and out some more. Then the long slender piece of wood separated into eight spikes joined at the center. Kankuro sent his chakra into the shield that now covered his entire height.

With no sound, his hand detached, and slid forward until it extended all the way to the desk.

"How's he supposed to open those one handed?" Temari whispered to Gaara.

Kankuro cackled as the 'hand' split into two parts and extra fingers appeared as if out of no where. Now he had two small hands where his one large one had been just a few seconds ago.

Gaara sniffed appreciatively. "I have to admit, I'm the tiniest bit impressed."

Temari nodded as Kankuro grinned from ear to ear.

The first letter opened with no traps or bombs or poisons. Kankuro looked at Gaara who motioned for him to hand it over. The hand holding the first letter extended all the way to the young red-head, who took it from him.

"It's a reply from Uzumaki Naruto." Gaara said as he scanned the letter.

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Gaara of the Desert,

I can't say I wasn't surprised to get your letter. I've never received a letter before, not from anyone I know. Bills of course, and people trying to get me to buy things. Even a letter from someplace called 'Nigeria' from someone looking for a person to open a bank account for them to send loads of money to them. Luckily Iruka-sensei stopped me from falling victim to that scam.

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara looked up from the letter to scowl at a blushing Kankuro. "See! I told you it was a scam and only you were stupid enough to fall for it. Lost a few paychecks there, didn't you?"

Kankuro whistled, turning away and ignoring him.

Gaara went back to reading his letter.

o.o.o.o.o

So, as you can imagine, it was a real treat to find a letter from someone I actually know!

Anyway, everything is good here. A lot of people scurrying around and there's some that are real upset with you, Gaara. Though no one really explains to me 'why'. I mean, you're trying to make amends here, even I can see that.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write me, even if your silly secretary did the actual writing.

o.o.o.o.o

Temari, reading over his shoulder, snorted in disgust. "Was it Naruto's letter that silly cluck was writing?"

Gaara nodded. "Is she still screaming about sand dragons?" He asked, though not really caring one way or the other.

Kankuro nodded. "Some of the guards pointed out that if you'd really attacked her, she'd be dead. But she won't seem to shut up about it."

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara, I have to tell you that I'm really psyched about this whole list thingy. Although it probably takes away some of your training time, which sucks huge. I love training!

I just wanted to say thank you for my letter and I accept all of your apologies. I offer you a few of mine. I'm sorry that we had to fight, although I really enjoyed our battle – after the fact though. I was also sorry to hear about Orochimaru killing your father. That sucks.

o.o.o.o.o

"No it didn't." Temari said, her two siblings nodding in agreement.

o.o.o.o.o

Anyway, I've got to run. Training this afternoon! Hope to hear from you again real soon! Take care and I know you'll find a solution to your anger issues.

Sincerely,

Uzumaki Naruto

o.o.o.o.o.

Gaara read the letter through three more times before rolling it back up with a small smile on his lips. He caught his siblings staring at his smile with a strange look, so he frowned at them and their expressions cleared.

"Next letter?" He asked pointedly.

Kankuro grinned, reaching for the next letter-scroll. Again, nothing went 'bang' or anything. He handed the letter to Gaara, who scanned it and groaned, grimacing.

"False alarm. It's a love letter to Teeemaaaari." The red-head handed her the letter with a sneer. "Thought he wasn't your boyfriend, even if you did make me promise to be nice to him."

Temari reached out and put her hand on Gaara's shoulder, the action making them both stop and stare. Before Gaara's efforts to change, she never touched him voluntarily.

She pulled her hand back, blushing slightly. "It's not from Shikamaru."

Gaara pointed to the signature. "That's who signed it."

Temari looked the letter over a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. "It looks like his handwriting, but it's not from him."

Kankuro looked over her shoulder cautiously. "How can you be sure?"

Temari blushed harder, not wanting to tell them this part, but not having much of a choice. "Gaara, don't be offended. This all started before you started to change. And you had killed several of my past boyfriends …."

"Yah, yah?" Gaara motioned for her to continue.

"Well, I set up a secret code and everything to make sure no one here found out about us." She said ruefully.

"You mean me, don't you." Gaara frowned, then sighed as she nodded a bit fearfully. "It's okay."

Temari took a deep breath, holding up the letter. "This isn't in code, number one. Second of all, this isn't Wednesday and he always sends me a note on Wednesday. Third, he overuses the word 'troublesome' in this letter. I threatened to make him pay if he kept using that word. The last few letters have been 'troublesome' free."

Gaara looked intrigued, taking the letter from her as Kankuro scowled. "Someone's trying to pull something, aren't they?"

The red-head's frown deepened as he perused the letter carefully. "He wants to meet you 'alone' at a romantic get-away. At a bath house in a small village in between Suna and the Leaf village."

Temari shook her head. "It's a trap, isn't it?"

Gaara and Kankuro nodded, their expressions turning hard as they thought about this attempt to get their sister somewhere 'alone'. "It's a trap." They both said with quiet anger.

"We're going to destroy them, aren't we?" Temari asked, fury starting to make her own eyes gleam hotly.

"Oh yes." Both brothers nodded.

The sand trio ignored the other letters for now, turning to making plans to trap whomever it was that was trying to set up Temari.

o.o.o.o.o.


	12. Ambush

Temari was pissed off. They'd reported the attempt at trying to isolate and trap the Sand kunoichi to the Suna Council. But they'd been under whelmed by the response.

"You'd think they were trying to get rid of us!" The blond grumbled as she packed for the trip to the ambush site.

"They are." Kankuro said with deliberate calm, yet he too was seething underneath.

Baki nodded as he stood, waiting for his students to ready themselves. He alone had risked sanction by joining them on this trip.

Gaara eyed the wind master speculatively. "Why are you helping?"

The older man shrugged dismissively. "Technically, you're still my students since none of you passed the chuunin exams".

The demon vessel snorted. "Like they were real exams anyway. It was an excuse to infiltrate the Leaf village."

Baki shook his head. "Nope, sorry. The exams were real enough, even if we were using them as a way inside. Gaara lost, Kankuro forfeited, and Temari's win was tainted."

None of the siblings liked hearing that.

"That Shadow bastard! I don't understand him!" Temari yelled as she ruthlessly shoved items almost randomly in her bag.

"You're dating him, I don't understand that!" Kankuro said snidely. "And I only forfeited to keep my puppets from being seen before the attacks. That's hardly a loss."

Gaara smirked. "I beat my match, Sasuke was down. Naruto was …unscheduled."

Baki grabbed Temari's pack from her and dumped it out on the floor. "Start over, genin."

If looks could kill, Baki would be dead.

The sibling's sensei wasn't even fazed. "If it had been a battle …wait …IT WAS A BATTLE." He pointed out callously. "Temari's win was no win at all. Kankuro's battle with the Aburame was a draw at best if not an out and out loss, and Gaara lost to his opponent, never mind whom it was he was supposed to fight."

Temari repacked her bag far more carefully this time, but still seething. "So, we all remain genins?"

Baki nodded. "You're all powerful, but if that was all that was necessary to becoming a chuunin there'd be no reason to have exams."

"You still haven't explained why you're coming with us." Gaara spoke up slowly. "Everyone else is trying their best to avoid us right now."

The wind master grinned. "I need to keep you alive. How else am I going to get an apology letter from you? Are you going to offer me a puppy too?"

Temari smirked and even Kankuro chuckled a bit at that.

Gaara glowered at them all. "Iko said that was a misunderstanding. I don't actually have to write letters to everyone, just make a master list and make amends where possible."

"I still want a letter. From you. Outlining every apology for every wrongdoing to me. That's the way you can make amends to me." Baki said with insufferable coolness.

Gaara looked appalled. "You sure you don't want a puppy?"

Baki just shook his head with a bland expression. "No. I want a letter. A nice looooong letter."

"Fuck." Was the red-head's only response.

o.o.o.o.o

'Temari' approached the meeting place mentioned in the letter-scroll. She looked like she was alone and unaware of the trap ahead. Reality did not match what was visible to the naked eye, however.

The Suna contingent wasn't sure if they were being watched now, or when they'd actually left their village. They hadn't sensed anyone. But they didn't take that to mean no one was watching.

'Temari' entered the bathhouse and looked around for her boyfriend. Gaara stood there looking like his kunoichi sister thanks to a henge jutsu. He appeared to be alone, however. He looked for traps, but didn't spot anything obvious.

A door opened with a soft sound and Gaara turned almost casually to look at the young man approaching him. A young man who looked like Shikamaru, but didn't move quite right. At one point Gaara had really, really wanted to kill Nara and had even watched him a bit. Especially after that battle with Temari. As such, he knew that this person ...didn't move quite right to be Shikamaru.

The boy moved forward with a welcoming smile. "Sweetheart!"

"If you try and kiss me, it ends now." Gaara said in his normal flat tone.

'Shikamaru' smiled widely at him and winked as dozens of trees suddenly surrounded him, trapping him in their branches.

Gaara ignored the genjutsu completely as deadly vines entombed him. The vines sprung vicious thorns, each bigger than a kunai. They each stabbed him. But the sand armor was surrounding him, and none drew blood at all.

"Why?" He asked without expression.

Kurenei sent wave after wave of illusion over him. Nightmares came at him from all sides. Monsters and demons swooped down from the skies to devour him whole. Land disappeared underneath his feet, leaving him falling into a dark void.

But Gaara simply did not react. He didn't bother to dispel the genjutsu, he just didn't give a rat's ass. These nightmares were NOTHING compared to the sand demon he hosted within his body. Shukaku tormented him constantly, these illusions were hardly even a nuisance to him.

Growing restless, Kurenei sent more and more 'monsters' after Gaara. But the young man was getting antsy. "Why?" He growled again, sending his sand toward her in a rush that left her pinned to the wall.

Her eyes narrowed on his and Gaara's eyes got big. "Genjutsu. You're not the trap. You're the distraction!"

With that, he hit her on the head with a vicious strike of chakra hardened sand, knocking her out cold.

He was out the door in an instant. Now that he was released from the REAL illusion, he could hear the sounds of battle all around him. Kurenei's mission had been to keep him unaware, to keep him occupied as the enemy attacked his family.

Gaara ran forward as he threw out his sand in the form of a protecting wall between his sister and sensei. Temari was currently using her fan to fight Baki, the two locked in a battle of winds that howled with rage. Baki had been holding her off, but it appeared Temari had gotten quite skilled in wind techniques and was actually making a good stand.

The red-head quickly located the blond man he felt to be responsible and performed the Sand Coffin technique. It worked, as evidenced by his sister stopping her attacks on Baki and turning a bright shade of red as the winds died down.

"If you don't want me to use the Desert Burial technique, cease now." Gaara yelled.

"He can't hear you in there." Baki huffed as he pointed toward the captured shinobi, completely entombed by the sand.

"Not him." Gaara nodded toward where Kankuro was sending wave after wave of puppet projectiles toward a circular blur. "Him."

They all watched a moment before Gaara sighed. "This is stupid."

With that, he released the blond man who slumped to the ground from lack of oxygen and sent his sand to capture the real focus of his anger.

The circular blur couldn't stop millions of grains of sand, no matter how good he was. The Hyuuga, since they all recognized the technique, came to a forced standstill as sand enveloped him from neck down. The sand hardened with chakra, making the man grunt and struggle to breath.

"You are Lord Hyuuga Hiashi?" Gaara asked coldly.

The other man nodded.

"You're not going to stop are you?" Gaara asked simply, his voice even.

Hiashi scowled, his eyes narrowed with murderous intent.

"Die." Gaara said and then killed him with his Desert Burial technique. He sighed with an almost actual regret. Why had the man taken his apologies to such an extreme? Couldn't he see Gaara was trying to change?

They all watched as Hiashi's body fell lifelessly to the ground.

Temari walked over to look down at him. "Hm. Almost anticlimatic. Couldn't you have dragged it out a bit? Maybe questioned him some?"

Gaara shrugged. "Why bother?"

Kankuro sighed heavily. "Well, we may be at war again."

Baki took a deep breath. "Depends."

"On what?" Temari asked, still embarrassed about being caught in the Yamanaka Mind Body Disturbance technique.

"Well, it depends on if this assassination attempt was sanctioned by the Hokage or not." He looked around a moment. "What are we going to do with the bodies? Leave them in the open?" Baki continued.

Gaara shook his head. "Body."

Temari shook her head back at him. "The one in the bathhouse. Blondie over there and this guy." She said as she kicked the dead man lightly.

Gaara shook his head again. "There's only one body."

Baki was staring at the mind jutsu user in wonder. "You didn't kill him?" He looked toward the bath house and even felt a faint pulse of chakra eminating from within. "Either of them?"

Gaara shrugged, a little embarrassed under the sudden scrutiny of his siblings and sensei.

"Well, well, well. It looks like your anger management techniques are paying off. You only killed the leader and not just everyone in your path." Baki said in soft amusement.

"We should still kill them." Kankuro said morosely. He was sore he hadn't been the one to pierce the Hyuuga 'gentle hands' technique with his projectile weapons.

"No. Let them go back to the Leaf village and tell them that I'm not a monster. Not anymore." Gaara surprised them all with this speech. "It was the whole point of my letters. Not to confess, but to show that I'm trying to change."

Temari looked down at the dead man. "I don't know how they'll react."

o.o.o.o.o

Tsunade was fuming. "What do you mean 'they took matters into their own hands!'"

Shizune didn't back away, although her Hokage's temper was fearsome even when she was in a good mood! "They left a note."

Tsunade yanked the note away from her assistant with a curse so inventive that even Kakashi had never heard it before.

The copy-ninja watched the Hokage as her face went cold with fury. She crumpled the note and threw it against the wall. "Damn them. I have a perfectly good plan to capture that red-headed monster, and they have to pull a stunt like this. If they kill him before I get my hands on him, I promise you they'll wish they were dead!"

o.o.o.o.o


	13. Letter to a Sensei

Gaara couldn't sleep, as per usual. His head hurt. But that was Shukaku's fault. Gaara wasn't sure, since the two didn't actually talk, but he wondered if the demon was upset he hadn't killed everyone in that ambush. It didn't matter really, what it came down to was that he couldn't sleep.

It was really early in the morning when he headed downstairs to his desk, not much past midnight. The council would be meeting in about a month to decide whether to accept Gaara into Suna, or expel him completely.

Before that, however, he still owed a letter. Gaara frowned as he got out a pen and a LOT of paper. He hoped he had enough ink to last for this letter.

o.o.o.o.o

Dear Baki,

Fuck you. It's late and my head hurts to hell and gone. But you did ask for a letter, and maybe I even owe you one. Okay, I definately owe you one. So here it is. Don't expect sunshine and roses though. This is my formal letter of apology and offer of amends. I really am trying to work on my anger issues, though few seem to take it seriously.

1\. First, I'm sorry that you got stuck with the responsibility of being my sensei. I can't apologize for Kankuro or Temari though. Anything they did wrong, you have to deal with them.

2\. I'm sorry I tried to kill you the first day you were made our sensei. It wasn't a real attempt actually, more of a test to see how you would react. Hey, you passed!

3\. I'm sorry that I got angry with you for not dying that first day.

4\. Which leads me to apologizing for trying to kill you on your second day on the job. This one was a real attempt though since you pissed me off by not dying on the first day.

5\. I apologize for not being able to remember each and every time I tried to kill you. There are waaay to many to count, so let's make a deal. I'll give you an apology for each time I meant to try and kill you, and I'll give one big blanket apology for all the half-hearted attempts. Otherwise this letter would reach all the way to the Leaf village and back again.

o.o.o.o.o

327\. I apologize for putting glue in your boots that one time. It was Kankuro's idea, but he chickened out. It was awfully funny watching you try and get your boots off though.

328\. I apologize that you had to cut the boots off your feet.

329\. I apologize that the nurses were laughing at you as they cut the boots off your feet. I don't apologize for the smell though, that was all you, Baki.

o.o.o.o.o

599\. I'm sorry that I got really, really, REALLY upset after the Creep (read: Dad) tried to kill me again while I was training near the greenhouse.

600\. I can't apologize for the fact that you were the first person I saw after that attempt near the greenhouse. I am very sorry that I took my fury out on you just because you were the first one I saw. But, really, it wasn't personal. I'd have tried to kill anyone at that point. It's a testament to your strength that you managed to survive. Oh, and that was the first time I saw you use your Wind Sword.

601\. I'm sorry I made fun of your Wind Sword technique. Actually, I thought it pretty cool.

602\. I apologize for destroying the greenhouse with my sand manipulation. I liked the sound of all the glass breaking.

603\. I am very sorry, though, that I had the sand combine with the broken glass from the greenhouse when I put you in the Desert Coffin technique.

604\. I'm sorry that the glass …I mean that I'm sorry you lost your eye. It was the left one though. And you're right handed. So …no, that doesn't work. I'm sorry.

605\. I apologize for making fun of the 'mask' you wear over the left side of your face. I called it a veil. But come on, it really looks like a ladies veil doesn't it?

o.o.o.o.o

1,014. I'm sorry that I put those scorpions in your bed. They were cool looking though, weren't they?

1,015. I'm sorry that the scorpions stung you.

1,016. I'm sorry your mouth swelled up from the scorpion stings so you couldn't eat for a week. Hey, the nurses made you milk shakes. They wouldn't give me one.

1,017. I'm sorry I killed the nurse who wouldn't give me a milk shake. You remember? The one with the mole on the side of her nose. Ick!

1,018. I apologize for putting sand in your milk shakes.

o.o.o.o.o

1,470. I'm sorry for trying to kill you that one time after the battle with the bandits from the eastern border. I was mad you didn't want to let me kill them all. Kankuro saved your life by distracting me, he threw the last prisoners to me. He really can be a nice guy every once in a while. Don't tell him I wrote that.

1,471. I'm sorry I killed them all even though you ordered me not too.

1,472. I'm sorry the Creep (you-know-who) yelled at you after that battle.

1,473. I'm sorry I was happy the Creep (ugh!) yelled at you.

1,474. I'm sorry I was mad at the Creep (jerk-face) for not letting me kill you for him.

o.o.o.o.o

1,927. I'm sorry that I tried to kill Temari that time after she got mad about the death of her fourth boyfriend. But I really had NOTHING to do with his death. Pure coincidence that he died in a freak sandstorm. I would have killed him, but he died before I could get to him.

1,928. I apologize for letting you bribe me with crème filled donuts in order to keep me from killing Temari. Looking back on it though, was it really that great a deal? I mean, Temari has been around much longer than those donuts lasted.

o.o.o.o.o

2,371. I'm sorry that I put your name and picture in the classifieds. Although, Kankuro and Temari took an awful lot of pleasure from that prank as well.

2,372. I'm sorry that I said you wanted a 'male snuggle bunny' of 'rolly polly proportions' in your classified ad. Okay, I'll admit I'm having trouble really being sorry for this one. It still cracks me up.

2,373. Ok. This one is serious. I'm sorry I killed your cousin that time he was visiting. I thought he was answering the classified ad and it freaked me out to see you hug him. But hey, he LOOKED like the description in the ad? Can you REALLY blame me for this one?

o.o.o.o.o

2,688. I'm sorry for the quicksand trap I set up for you while you were sick with the flu. It's bad to take advantage of a sick man. I want to say I was angry over something, but basically it was just to see if it would work.

2,689. I'm sorry you sunk in the quicksand trap. Seriously though, what kind of sensei lets himself get caught like that? Luckily for you Kankuro came by and could use his chakra strings to help you get out.

2,690. I'm sorry I tried to kill Kankuro for rescuing you. I broke his puppets for that.

2,691. I'm sorry that I was making him eat the broken pieces of his puppet when you finally stopped me. Luckily I hadn't gotten to the poison tipped parts yet.

2,692. I'm sorry that you had to buy me donuts to get me to stop. I'm not sorry that I ate all the donuts in front of Kankuro and didn't let him have any of them. He shouldn't have interfered.

o.o.o.o.o

2,940. I'm sorry about the living sand sculpture of a dragon that I used to scare your lady friend with. Though, it was a pretty cool sculpture. The wings flapped and everything. Couldn't make real flames come out of its mouth though. Still working on that. If Kankuro wouldn't gloat so much, I'd ask him to come up with something for me.

2,941. I'm sorry I drugged you that one night. It was just to make you sleep really soundly.

2,942. I'm sorry that I knocked out those two prostitutes. They were really ugly, remember?

2,943. I'm sorry I put the two prostitutes in your bed.

2,944. I apologize deeply for sounding the fire alarm and having you found with those two prostitutes.

2,945. I'm deeply ashamed of myself that the two prostitutes were guys. At least, I think one of them definitely was. Still not sure about the second one. I'm sorry.

o.o.o.o.o

3,747. I'm sorry I put maggots in your rice. I was miffed at you, because I thought you liked my siblings better than me. I would have tried to kill you, but the Creep (fuck-face) had told me that if I laid off trying to kill you, he'd lay off trying to kill me. He lied. But I liked you better than him, so …I needed a less lethal way to show you how angry I was with you.

Yep. I said I liked you. But that's in comparison to the Creep (toe-rag), so it's not really saying all that much.

Anyway. I'm sure I missed a few items. I'm sorry for them all, the ones I remember and the ones I don't. So. Sorry.

This is the part where I offer amends. Except that you said that for 'amends' you just wanted this letter. Fair enough. Here it is.

Sincerely,

Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

The sun was well up by the time Gaara finished his missive to Baki. His hand was aching, but somehow he felt lighter. Maybe writing all this stuff down really was a way to clear out all the mess in his life?

"Gaara!" The voice of the council elder, Iko, interrupted his thoughts.

"In here." He called, rolling his neck and shoulders which ached from writing most of the night.

"Gaara." Iko was panting, apparently the old man had run here. "There's an army outside of Suna."

"I'll be there. Wake Temari and Kankuro." Gaara said darkly as he stood.

"No!" Iko coughed and cleared his throat. "It's not an attack. It's an extradition demand."

Gaara stared at him coolly. "Well?"

"Yours." Iko said sadly. "The council is meeting on whether or not to turn you over."

Gaara growled. "Let me guess, more of the Leaf villagers right?"

Iko shook his head. "No. It's Orochimaru."

o.o.o.o.o


	14. Confrontations

"Gaara!" Temari called out as she raced after her youngest brother. "Stop! Let the council deal with this!"

Gaara refused to answer as he hurried toward the main gate walls.

Kankuro cackled from beside her. "I'm sick of waiting. It's been two hours already. That's not a good sign. What if the council agrees to hand Gaara over to Orochimaru?"

"Then the snake dude dies." Temari said with a diffident shrug.

The puppeteer sighed. "Sorry. I can't be so sure of that. The guy IS one of the legendary Sannin and did manage to take out the Fourth Kazekage."

"So he's sneaky. Doesn't mean Gaara can't take him." Temari said with confidence, although inside she was starting to get a bit nervous.

Gaara finally slowed enough for them to catch up to him, but still continued on towards Suna's main gates. "Thank you, Temari, for the support."

The blond kunoichi caught her breath. Gaara was thankingher? Before now she wouldn't have put money on him even knowing what 'thank you' meant!

"But even I'm not sure about Orochimaru. He's dangerous because he is sneaky. And he wouldn't come here if he didn't have something hidden up his sleeve. The man survived a fight between him and Tsunade and Jiraiya both."

Temari's eyes were wide as she answered. "Then why challenge him then?"

Kankuro snorted. "That should be obvious! To test his skills against such a strong opponent. To pit himself against one of the most dangerous men around. To kill him!"

Gaara snorted back. "Kankuro, since when did you turn into me? No. I want to ask Orochimaru a question, that's all."

Kankuro subsided, pouting a bit. "Awww..."

o.o.o.o.o

"Oi! Orochimaru!" Gaara called down from his vantage point along the main walls.

"What?" A guy with glasses called back, the white-faced freak not even bothering to look up.

Gaara scowled, anger starting to build up within him. Ruthlessly, he pushed the anger away. It was getting easier and easier to act outside of anger. Maybe this whole exercise had been worth it after all. "I need to ask him a question."

Kabuto looked at Orochimaru, who remained motionless. "No. We won't change our minds. You're coming back with us."

"That's not it." Gaara called down. "I want to know WHY you're even here? I was writing an apology letter, a sincere one. What did he take offense to that made him come all the way out here? He even had my brother's arm nailed to an outpost wall. What's up with that?"

Finally, Orochimaru looked up at him, a sneer clearly on his face. He spoke softly to Kabuto, who shook his head. Orochimaru stepped forward menacingly and Kabuto stepped back.

"He says it's not for your insults to him, but the ones you wrote to the Uchiha." Kabuto finally called out to him.

Gaara chewed that over for a moment, then called down. "Did Sasuke even get to READ my letter?"

Neither Kabuto nor Orochimaru answered, which was an answer in and of itself.

The red-headed Sand shinobi groaned. "Stupid pedophile! You just don't like that I mentioned your intentions toward him. Don't want me warning your precious target, is that it?"

"No it's not!" Orochimaru screamed, then fumed for answering when he had no intention of speaking to Gaara.

Gaara nodded. He'd hit it on the head with that one. "Okay, we can go back home now." He told his siblings even as he wondered at what was taking the council so long to send a reply. How long did it take to say "Fuck off?" even for the Suna council?

Suddenly a sound ninja came up to Orochimaru and whispered something, making both he and his assistant turn and stare out at the desert.

Their attention caught, all three Sand siblings turned to look as well. Dust rising up in the horizon heralded the arrival of someone new.

o.o.o.o.o

"They're giving me a headache." Kankuro whined as he sat watching the circus below him. His puppy, Killer, had somehow gotten out of the house and followed them here. The Chihuahua puppy was currently gnawing on the hem of the puppeteer's pants leg, giving small puppy growls.

Gaara nodded. He too was getting tired of the bickering between the newly arrived Leaf Hokage and Orochimaru as they argued on who had the right to extradite him from Suna.

The Suna council had received both requests and were still interred within their chambers, mulling over the issue. That had been three hours ago.

Temari had set up a 'breeze' jutsu to keep them comfortable as they all waited, but Gaara hated to wait for anything. He stood up and looked down at the bickering duo once more.

"Oi!" He hollered out, annoyed. "I know that Orochimaru has taken offense at me calling him gay and wanting to make Sasuke his 'special' friend. But what are you so upset about, Tsunade?"

"As if you don't know, brat!" The Leaf Hokage called back up to him.

Gaara grinned. He bet she didn't realize that since he was so far up and looking down at her, that he had the perfect viewing spot to look down her cleavage.

"Now THAT'S impressive." Whispered Kankuro, even as he tried to shake loose the puppy at his feet.

Temari grimaced and gave the puppeteer a sharp rap against the back of his skull.

"Ow! Why'd you do that? Gaara was looking too!" Kankuro whined.

Temari rolled her eyes, yeah like she'd be stupid enough to hit Gaara. He might have changed, but she wasn't going to push him too far!

"We demand that Suna turn over Gaara to us for crimes against the Leaf village!" The Hokage's assistant called up to them.

"Why?" Temari called back. "Suna surrendered to you after the whole debacle of an invasion that was HIS fault, not ours!" She said pointing toward Orochimaru who simply grinned at them all. "If you wanted to try Gaara for war crimes, you've already passed up that opportunity."

"Exactly!" Orochimaru crowed. "That means he should be turned over to me. And you too, little girl, seems your brother wanted to swap you for one of the Leaf maidens."

"What?" Temari turned and glared at her red-headed younger brother.

Gaara didn't move a muscle as he whispered to her. "Remember, he's sneaky." Not actually admitting to anything.

Killer gave a small growl and tore off a piece of Kankuro's pants leg. The small dog turned a circle and settled down to enjoy his 'prize'.

Kankuro sighed. "This was my last pair of trousers he hadn't torn up yet."

"He played voyeur at the girl's bath house!" Tsunade called up to them.

Gaara scowled back down at her. "So does Jiraiya, I don't see him in chains!"

"He has a point." Shizune told Tsunade frankly.

Tsunade scowled. "He murdered Lord Hyuuga Hiashi!"

Gaara shook his head. "Try again. Hiashi called ME out with a declaration of 'Blood Feud'. Then he set a trap for me through my sister! And I didn't kill his accomplices, only him."

"Not to mention that Neji and Hinata didn't actually seem all that upset about his death." Shizune said with a shrug.

"You're not helping!" Tsunade yelled, turning on her assistant who just blinked at her.

Gaara crossed his arms. "You have no legal claim to take me back to the Leaf village."

"You're still an ass!" Tsunade hollered up at him.

Gaara shrugged and pointed at Orochimaru. "So is he. And he did far more against your village than I've ever even thought of."

And with that, he watched with glee as Orochimaru and Tsunade started bickering back and forth. The bickering escalated into name calling. Then it all went to hell. All out battle ensued at the main gates of Suna, with the Sand village looking on in interest.

A stray swipe from Orochimaru's giant snake hit the walls of Suna, sending rubble raining down on them.

Gaara's swift use of sand protected them all as Killer peed on Kankuro's foot in fear.

"Watch it! There's innocent puppies up here!" Gaara yelled down at the combatants.

o.o.o.o.o

Iko peered down at the ravaged desert landscape. "And they dared to complain about the mess we left in the forests around the Leaf village."

"At least Orochimaru left." Temari pointed out as the Leaf ninja set about healing their injured and gathering up their scattered weaponry.

"He didn't lose." Kankuro pointed out, just a tad disappointed.

Iko shrugged. "At least he didn't win."

They all nodded at that.

"What did the council decide?" Gaara asked curiously.

Iko pointed down to the Suna messenger making his way toward the exhausted Leaf Hokage. "They're sending her the answer now. Watch."

Killer wagged his tail as Gaara picked him up so he could see too.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Tsunade screamed as she read the message.

"I guess the answer was 'no'." Kankuro crowed happily. He hadn't been so sure that the Suna council wouldn't have taken this opportunity to rid themselves of Gaara.

"Not exactly." Iko said with a smug smile.

"They named him Kazekage?" The Hokage yelled in outrage.

Kankuro and Temari turned to stare at Gaara, who was looking stunned.

Iko laughed. "The council was mightily impressed with how you handled the situation, turning both parties against each other instead of at us."

Gaara couldn't talk. Kazekage? They'd named him Kazekage?

"You know what this means?" Kankuro finally said.

Temari shook her head as Gaara turned toward his brother, still looking stunned.

"The council accepted your apologies." The puppeteer pointed out gleefully.

Killer whined and licked Gaara's hand.

A smile slowly bloomed on the red-head's face as he took in a deep breath.

"Kazekage." He said.

"Kazekage-sama?" A messenger came up to him, bowing low. "A delivery for you."

Gaara turned to look at the letter scroll, and the box that came with it. "Who's it from?"

Temari stepped away from the box cautiously, so did Kankuro. Gaara handed the puppy over to his brother. "Keep him safe."

"Him? What about me?" Kankuro whined.

Gaara took the scroll from the messenger and broke the seal.

Everyone held their breath, but nothing happened. They all started breathing again. Gaara unrolled the scroll carefully and read it through. A smile teased his lips as he read it through a second time.

He handed it to Temari as Kankuro read over her shoulder.

o.o.o.o.o

Dearest Gaara of the Sand,

THANK YOU! Words alone can not express our deepest gratitude. We are sending you a gift to show you how much we really appreciate you and all you've done.

If you ever have need, just call us and we will be there for you.

Most Sincerely

Hyuuga Hinata

Hyuuga Neji

Hyuuga Hanabi (although I still have some slight reservations, I still add my thanks to theirs)

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara held the scroll happily. He was appreciated. And Kazekage. It didn't get much better. Killer gave a small yelp and wagged his tail. Gaara smiled happily.

"Aren't you going to open the box?" Kankuro whined, eager to see what the Hyuugas had sent.

"I have everything I need right here." Gaara said.

o.o.o.o.o

THE END


End file.
